Let’s Talk About Sex…But Why Is It So Hard?

Written By Julia Manasek

Conversations about sex and intimacy are among the most vital—and often the most challenging—parts of a relationship. Despite its importance, talking about sex can feel awkward, vulnerable, or even taboo. Whether it’s fear of judgment, cultural stigmas, or lack of practice, many couples and individuals struggle to discuss their sexual desires, boundaries, or concerns openly. 

If you find these conversations particularly daunting, don’t worry—this article offers practical tools and insights from sex therapy and relationship research to help you navigate them with more confidence and clarity.

Couple discussing sex therapy, while holding hands and sitting in bed.

Why Is Talking About Sex So Difficult?

Sex is a loaded topic. Many of us grew up in environments where sex wasn’t openly discussed, leading to feelings of shame or discomfort. Cultural narratives often portray sex as mysterious, forbidden, or even dangerous—especially for women (more on female sexual desire here). These messages create internal barriers, making it harder to approach sex with openness and curiosity.

Media further complicates this by promoting the myth that good sex should be effortless, requiring no communication. This belief often results in shame and perfectionism, discourages couples from discussing their needs and experiences.

On top of societal pressures, personal insecurities also play a role. Fear of rejection, performance anxiety, or uncertainty about our desires can make discussing sex feel risky. Yet avoiding these conversations often leads to misunderstandings, unmet needs, and resentment.

Practical Strategies for Talking About Sex

Breaking the silence about sex begins with creating a safe, non-judgmental space for dialogue. Choose the right moment, avoiding times when one or both of you are hungry or tired, and address these needs first to ensure a productive discussion. Use a soft startup with “I” statements rather than “You” statements to reduce defensiveness. For example, say, “I feel disconnected when we don’t spend time being intimate” instead of “You never want to have sex.”

It’s surprisingly hard to stay emotionally connected in long-term relationships, and it’s important to remind yourself that the challenges you’re facing are common among couples. Just because people struggle to talk about intimacy and sex doesn’t mean they’re not experiencing difficulties. In fact, an online survey by sex therapist Vanessa Marin and her partner Xander Marin revealed that 93% of couples have experienced a dry spell at least once in their relationship.

After visiting sex therapy, lesbian couple is in bed kissing, feeling connected.

Five Conversations to Transform Your Sex Life

In their book Sex Talks, Vanessa and Xander Marin outline five essential conversations that can help couples build deeper intimacy and understanding. Below is a summary of the key points they discuss:

1. Acknowledgement

Acknowledging that sex is a part of your relationship is the first step toward building comfort in discussing it. Open the door to exploring early memories, fantasies, and favorite sexual experiences. To initiate these conversations, try asking:

  • What is your favorite sexual memory with me?

  • What comes up when you think about the words sex, vagina, vulva, or penis?

  • What were you taught about sex, and what do you wish you had been taught?

  • What does great sex mean to you? What is your favorite part about it?

  • What does intimacy mean to you?

While these questions may feel awkward at first, practice will make them easier. If you’re struggling with shame or discomfort, start by writing down what you’d like to say to your partner and practice saying it out loud to yourself. You can also introduce the topic by sharing something you’ve read or expressing your desire to be more open about discussing sex, while also sharing that it feels challenging to talk about. Help each other ease into the conversation by offering support and encouragement.

2. Connection

“There are two types of people in the world: the ones that need to feel connected in order to have sex and the ones that need to have sex in order to feel connected.”
— Vanessa Marin, Sex Talks

In many relationships, one partner often seeks emotional connection first, while the other feels closer through physical intimacy. Recognizing and respecting these differences can bring greater understanding. Try asking:

  • Do you like to feel emotionally connected before having sex, or is sex the primary way for you to connect with me?

  • Do you feel connected to me right now? What specific things make you feel connected to me?

To build emotional connection, practice small gestures, regular compliments and non-sexual touch without expectations. Make touching a natural part of your routine to prevent the “bristle reaction,” where one partner tenses up because the only touch they receive is when sex is being initiated. Research from the Gottman Institute suggests that daily habits like a 20-second hug or a six-second kiss can release oxytocin, promoting relaxation, trust, and connection (read more here). If you feel disconnected from yourself, it will be harder to connect with your partner. Make sure to also prioritize self-care and personal space to nurture your emotional well-being.

3. Desire

Discussing preferences, turn-ons, and turn-offs creates empathy and helps partners meet each other’s needs. Start by making a list of your desires, focusing on what brings you pleasure, including positions, environments, types of stimulation, energy, and how and where you like to be touched or kissed.

Vulnerability during initiation is key, but fear of rejection often holds people back. It’s essential to accept rejection as a normal part of a healthy sex life. Research shows that couples who respect each other’s “no” often have more fulfilling sexual relationships. Reframe turn-offs as positive feedback by saying, “Something you can do to help me feel more turned on is __.”

When initiating sex, be specific about what you’re seeking. Some days you may want a quickie, while other times you might crave a slow, intimate connection. If your partner initiates, remind yourself that they’re trying to connect with you. Take a moment to reflect: Are you open to trying? Can you see if you’ll become more turned on?

4. Pleasure

Prioritize pleasure, as it’s the foundation of desire. Openly discuss what feels good for both partners and address issues like the “orgasm gap.” Mutual pleasure strengthens intimacy and ensures that both partners feel satisfied.

If you experience pain during sex, communicate directly and ask your partner to stop. Research shows that around 30% of women experience pain during intercourse. To reduce discomfort, use lubrication, allow at least 15 minutes to warm up before penetration, and focus on clitoral stimulation, which is essential for pleasure. 

Feedback in the bedroom is vital for maintaining a fulfilling sex life. Normalize talking about what you enjoy during and after intimacy.

Try this exercise: Take turns touching different parts of each other’s bodies and rate the sensation on a scale of 1-10. Afterward, discuss what you enjoyed and whether you’d like to try something again.

5. Exploration

A common mistake couples make is assuming they know everything about their partner. Instead, approach your partner as someone who is constantly evolving. Life experiences, personal growth, and learning change people over time. Stay curious and give each other space to explore.

Keep things exciting by discussing fantasies, revisiting what initially sparked your attraction, or trying new activities. Openness to novelty prevents boredom and deepens trust.

If you like to explore new things in the bedroom, you can create a list yes-no-maybe list of sexual activities (there are many examples online) and explore what you would like to try and where your sexual boundaries lay. Use a “traffic light system” to navigate new ideas:

  • Green: An enthusiastic yes.

  • Yellow: A maybe.

  • Red: A hard no.

Understanding your sexual boundaries—what feels safe, sexy, or pleasurable—is essential. You’re always allowed to say no, but explore whether your hesitation comes from shame or if it genuinely goes against your preferences.

By staying curious, open, and communicative, you create a space for growth and exploration, nurturing your connection and keeping your relationship vibrant.

Couple happily smiling at each other after resolving intimacy challenges through sex therapy, building stronger emotional and physical connection.

The Role of Sex Therapy in Breaking Barriers

Sex therapy can play a crucial role in breaking barriers and addressing deeper issues that may arise during conversations about sex, especially when discussions lead to conflict, avoidance, or emotional distress. It provides a safe, supportive space to navigate these challenges and isn’t limited to couples with serious problems—it’s for anyone seeking greater self-understanding or stronger intimacy. Common topics addressed in therapy include:

  • Cultural Shame: Unpacking harmful narratives about sex.

  • Communication Challenges: Developing tools to express needs and desires effectively while fostering understanding.

  • Emotional Vulnerability: Building trust to navigate deeply personal topics.

  • Mismatched Libidos or Preferences: Understanding and addressing differences.

  • Past Traumas or Fears: Exploring how these impact intimacy.

If you’re struggling to explore these topics alone, consider reaching out for extra guidance.

Reframing Sex Talks: From Awkward to Empowering

Talking about sex doesn’t have to be perfect—it just has to happen. Over time, these discussions will become less awkward and more empowering. Each conversation is an opportunity to deepen your connection and challenge societal norms that perpetuate shame.

Talking about sex is a process that requires patience, vulnerability, and growth. Whether you’re navigating these conversations on your own or with the help of a therapist, the effort is worth it.

References

Julia Manasek
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